Quick question – how do you handle it when someone you like doesn’t call when you’d hoped, doesn’t invite you to an important event or does something else that makes you feel rejected?
Do you fly off the handle? Or shut down in a sulk? Leave things be to see how they work themselves out? Or ask for clarification? How you handle these little dating landlines can be the difference between building a relationship that lasts and ending up back in the dating pool again.
It’s not secret that a calmer state of mind will give your perspective – even when the other party does something you don’t like. Heightened emotions on the other hand, will be the biggest undoing to your success in dating – even if the grievance seems warranted. Dating anxiety can make you feel suspicious, defensive, persecuted…even if your poor paramour meant no offence in their act or statement. Whereas if you can handle a situation with grace, calmness and a cool head, you’ll show that you’re the class act everyone wants to be around.
Can you think back to a time you over-reacted to something – and it turned something small into a big fight or a drama? Yep, that’s your drama hook. You may have been hasty to act, break up, slam down the phone or write off an otherwise awesome person. What a waste! Imagine now if you were cool, calm and rational – and all that loss could have been avoided.
Very few situations – especially in the early stages of dating, are unsolvable. If you have a tendency to over-react, now is the time to calm down. If your emotionality is ruining your love life, it’s a mistake to bury your head in the sand and say “hey this is just me, accept it”. These dramatic outbursts are not your truth and it can make something seemingly innocuous suddenly poisonous and wrong.
Do some exercise, meditation or even chat to someone to get your anxious emotions under control. You will be amazed how much more innocent and normal your relationship appears under your new found perspective!
We all want to be in a partnership that expands who we are and brings out our best self. If someone is always a hotwire or bringing you down, attacking your for things you didn’t do, would you want a lasting relationship with that person? My bet is on ‘no’.
Both men and women can be guilty of this. My client Gabrielle* used to be very sensitive and emotional in dating. She was always freaking out over what guys were doing ‘wrong’- and scaring the men off with it. If she had stability and perspective, she would be able to see that nothing bad was going on – if a guy took an hour to text her back, he was just busy. And if he was genuinely slacking off, she had the inner power to make a joke about it or let the relationship go before she was too invested. Thankfully, we were able to do the work together to create exactly that. With some honest chats, she got to see the error of her ways and look at situations with a fresh perspective. She’s now able to enjoy dating and have fun with the dynamic in such a way that it creates attraction.
Emotionality, can totally happen for men too – albeit in a more sneaky way. Take David*, who was rather highly strung. There was nothing his new dates could do right – he was constantly comparing women to some perfect stereotype in his head. So of course, these gorgeous and unassuming women were for some odd reason, failing! David was in a bind, because he desperately wanted a relationship, yet his ego was so strong that he was pushing it away. Through some coaching chats, David discovered that his high standards were in fact internal. Through learning to relax and take it easy on himself, he took the pressure off the women too. As a result, he is loving dating and has recently told me he’s met a girl who is perfect in his eyes – no complaints.
So relax, enquire and cut people some slack don’t over-react in dating and sabotage your relationships before they’ve even begun.
Enjoy your month!
Alina B x