" Do you want to love someone? And do you want someone to love you too? Of course you do. That is what most people want" These are the words of the esteemed psychologist and relationship expert, Dr Paul Hauck. Love is one of the most desired conditions in the world. Many people search for it their whole lives and either never find it or do not consistently get enough of it. Being in love can create feelings of the most intense delight however it is also a condition that can cause unbearable pain. Without love an infant can die and without love an adult's life can feel completely empty.
Another psychologist and relationship expert, Dr Harville Hendrix, writes that for years scientists from various disciplines have being doing research in an effort to deepen our understanding of romantic love. Some believe that there is a certain "bio-logic" to the courtship game. Here they assert that we instinctively select mates who will enhance the survival of the species. Men might be drawn to classically beautiful woman who look young and healthy which at an unconscious level might indicate a high degree of fertility. Woman might choose males with pronounced "alpha" qualities, ie. the ability to dominate other males and bring home more than their share of the kill. The assumption here being that male dominance ensures survival of the family group. The social psychologists talk about the exchange theory of selecting a mate, ie. we select someone who is more or less our equal. Qualities such as physical appeal,financial status, social rank, common interests and personality traits such as the capacity for kindness, generosity and sense of humour are evaluated and future decisions based on these might be made.
The above two examples are just two of the many theories about romantic love. However do these or any similar theories account for the complexities involved in choosing the "right" partner. Perhaps it is necessary to understand a little about the role that the unconscious mind plays in this process. Harville Hendrix believes we mostly choose a partner that has qualities that can make up for the psychological and emotional deficits we experienced in childhood. This may sound like a strong statement but lets try to examine this a little. When we hear the word deficits we do not necessarily imply deliberate damage or deprivation. Rather we refer to the parts of our childhood that were less than ideal. There is no such thing as the perfect childhood and even if one does come from a safe and nurturing family there will always be elements of our earlier experience that could have been better. In the normal course of events feelings around the unmet needs of our earlier life are simply pushed into our unconscious which is a healthy adaptation so we can continue to grow and develop into adulthood. So, what does this all have to do with the notions of love and marriage? Well, what happens when we are looking for love and possibly marriage is that unconsciously we are hoping that our future partner will magically be able to complete the parts of ourselves and our experience around which we do not feel entirely whole. This unconscious selection process is very functional and hopefully will result in a wise choice. Dr Hauck thus believes that love is not so much about attraction and common interests but rather the feeling we have for someone who "satisfies, has satisfied, or will satisfy our deepest needs and desires". This means that we love people because they are good to us, because they please us and because they make us feel that we are important to them.
If we are to agree with the above mentioned views then the whole idea of match making opens up. It might mean that it is less important at J-Junction to look for "perfect" matches that seem compatible according to our factual information. Rather, a whole range of seemingly unlikely matches might actually work. In practical terms it is still important on our side to try and find matches that are appropriate but the message is please-- take your time. The person that you least expect to be "the one" might be the match you had last night and "flicked" after a quick cup of coffee. Sizing someone up over 30 minutes is speed dating and we are asking for a bit more. Spend some time. Devote an evening to getting to know the person. Do not expect to have tons to talk about at first or to feel an instant chemistry. This is a pre-arranged meeting and we acknowledge that there could be some mutual anxiety. Expect this and maybe try to do some structured activities at the beginning before you are feeling comfortable. Remember that Mr or Ms "Average" might be just the person you need rather than the person you think you want. While you are hurriedly appraising the rocks in front of you, you might in fact be missing the diamonds that are lying underneath.
There is a story at J-Junction of a Jewish resident in Sydney who confides that they met their partner through a similar kind of service to ours. This was in another continent and in the previous century where things happened a bit more slowly. The first date was average on her part but did not think he was quite her type, a nice guy but no fireworks. The next morning after the date, which was always dinner in those days, she decided that it would be pointless to go out with him for a second time. He called again and she refused him for the next Saturday evening but conceded that they could go out on the Sunday night instead ( Saturday was being kept open for someone else). There were a few phone calls during the course of the week to confirm the arrangements and she noticed that each time he called they actually had a lot to speak about. He in fact made her feel very comfortable. By the time Sunday came around she was really looking forward to seeing him. After the second date it was love on both sides and they married less than a year later. This all happened over twenty years ago and they are still together with big children. So, you just never know!
With acknowledgements to the following authors:
Dr Paul Hauck, "How to Love and be Loved"
"Making Marriage Work"
Dr Harville Hendrix, "Getting the Love You Want"
